captivated

i despise the thing between your lips but you say it helps you take the edge off, though it burns your lungs and clouds your mind yet i’m distracted by your throaty laugh and those liquid gold words that escape your smooth mouth. and when darkness cloaks the sky, phone warms up my ear like a fire that burns so bright, you pour out your demons and they swirl and swirl in my mind. later at night i toss and turn in my sleep. i swear those demons got me. and then i wonder how you carry their weight and i wonder how you slay the ghosts of your past. in that moment, i admire you and i admire you a lot because i’m fascinated how you’ve come so far. yet every time there is glow in your eyes as you look forward to the world. the world i’ve grown so tired of. and my feeling doesn’t pass you by. sometimes you even point out, how you’ve never seen anyone more negative than me. and i tell you slowly that some people are just made this way. you try to argue but you don’t because you know how stubborn i am anyway. but every time you point out, i try to be a little more positive towards life, but that just isn’t my cup of tea and i give up way too soon. yet you don’t say anything. you just let me be. and even hear all the negative things i have to say. so instead of asking me to be optimistic you put in positive ideas in my ears which i’m sure are just bounced off by my mind and yet you try. sometimes you even just laugh them off. did i tell how much i like your laugh? much more than i like your smile. only that one smile of yours that comes naturally. but you hardly ever smile that way. maybe because it takes a lot of effort to actually be happy when a lot of things are just weighing you down. i guess because you don’t answer my question why you don’t smile that way. rather you change the topic to my smile. and you compliment in ways i’ve never even known before. do you do it on purpose or am i really starting to like something about myself? i wish you knew the enormity of the change you’ve done to me. but i don’t tell you and i wonder if you’ll ever know. also sometimes, i wish a lot more than that. i wish i could tell you things, show you my demons and unveil my wounds. but i just don’t have the strength anymore. so i just listen to yours. because yours alone are magnanimous enough for you and i wouldn’t want to burden you more. but that’s what i tell myself. convince myself. because i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to do that. i keep all the darkness to myself. maybe that’s what i’m supposed to do anyway.


lower case letters in this post. terribly sorry if lower case irritates you. but i just love it and i think lower case makes it way more vulnerable.

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