limerence

you looked at me like crazy when i told you i want to bathe in chocolate. is that how much you love chocolate?, you had asked me. i smiled, the kind where my lips would always curve incomplete, and gave you a shrug as we lay down on the grass on a uphill slope gazing at the almost non existent stars in the sky. an inexplicable silence fell upon us. i turned my head and looked at you for one long minute but you were too engrossed in your thoughts as you peered infinitely at the jet black vastness spreading up above us. i then gently followed my gaze above too. and as i peered absentmindedly at the sky above, i wondered if you would ever know how passionate i could be about the things i love. but i never told you thinking that it would scare you off. i never told you a lot of things that went in my mind. and you didn’t said much about yours too. but sometimes you did. and you always believed that your thoughts were more messed up and everything in your life was much more complicated than mine. and i let you believe that. because i never let you get a whiff of what actually went inside my head, that there was a pandemonium, a mayhem, a frenzy beneath this calm exterior. but i never told you and so you always thought of me as a girl who’d had a simple life, ¬†with everything planned out ahead. little did you know about my cacophonic thoughts playing brownian motion inside the walls of my head, contradicting every feeling i pretended to feel. but you, you thought of me as a neat girl who hadn’t seen the horrors of life or fell into the cataclysm of this world. but maybe you were true because the definition of them for you and me always differed. at least in my head. but i never told you that. and there were a lot more instances where you completely misread me. and i let you do that. and i still wonder why i ever did so.

but there’s never any answer. or the answer yet again is something i would only like to keep to myself. something, i always tend to do, keep things to myself.

and i wonder, if you ever knew me at all.